Married, Divorced, and New Love all in the same year . . . here's what I learned

Sunday, December 14, 2014





I got married a year ago today.

If someone came up to me on my wedding day and told me one year from that day I'd be cuddled up with another woman I'd tell them to go to hell.  

2014 was a heart wrenching roller coaster of emotions of every kind and every extreme. There were times so hard that eating was the most impossible task, and times where I literally thought my heart was being torn apart.

I have also never been happier. I've shared tender moments and have drawn closer to people who love me, and interestingly enough have created new and long lasting friendships with individuals I never would have met if I'd never got divorced. 

This year I've learned more about myself, and about what I want out of life, love, and friendship than I have in all the previous years combined. I'd be lying if I said I'm completely over what happened but I'm a-heck of a lot better than I've ever been since; and things get better every single day. Because I think I would have appreciated a post like this long before I got divorced, I'm going to impart some of the nuggets I've learned with whoever thinks they could benefit. 



Dating - 

Because typically arranged marriages are socially unacceptable and from what I hear awkward, we're left to our own devices to find companionship and move on to that next step. For Mormons there is a little more pressure to get married, 1 - There is such an expectation within our culture; (If you're back from your mission "its time to get married". If you're a decently attractive adult young lady "its time for you to get married".) 2 - Also, typically we abstain from sexual intimacy. and Although I don't condone getting married to have sex, it does play a part in the urgency we feel to pull the trigger and get engaged. God gave us some pretty natural and strong urges which He encourages us to act on within the bounds of marriage. 

That brings me to my biggest piece of advice within dating. DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO AVOID CREATING A FOUNDATION OF PHYSICAL INTIMACY. My logic comes from personal experience. Long lasting relationships are built on friendship, fun, and communication at any level. And in marriage I believe this couldn't be more important. The more time you spend on developing that friendship and practicing communication without the distraction of fondling each other, the stronger the bond and happier the marriage you will have. Too often we get too intimate too fast; and we find ourself having wasted a years worth of investment while we sit and question whether we actually like the person we're dating. All of that can be avoided if while dating we avoid sinful distractions and utilize that time to see if you could have a lifetime / eternity of friendship, fun, and smooth communication. 

My last piece of advice within dating hits home for me pretty hard. DO NOT TREAT DATING LIKE A MARRIAGE. Dating is to test the water. Committing to be someones boyfriend or girlfriend is not the same as committing to be their husband and wife. That seems obvious right? Then why do we treat them almost as if they are synonymous. How often do we see couples who fight, bicker, and can barely communicate "keep trying" because of their commitment as a gf or bf? Thats silly. The greatest piece of advice I've received since being divorced; which I intend on sticking to, is that dating should be easy and fun. Be yourself and encourage your bf/gf to be his/her self. If you find yourself feeling obligated to change or lower your bar / expectations for what you want our of a spouse its a solid sign that this probably won't work out. Both parties should be able to feel comfortable being their self without reservation. If thats not happening with your current bae, dump em' there is someone better suited for you out there. I promise. (You'll thank me later)

Marriage -

Dating should be selfish. Critique that person hard and see if they are exactly who you want. During dating make it all about your happiness while being yourself. If you've tested the waters and you're absolutely sure that this person and you are right for each other; its time to get to work. This commitment you've made is more important any commitment you've made to another human being and the most important commitment you will make to your Heavenly Father. Do not treat this lightly and forget yourself. Your priorities of thought processes should be 1 - what does God expect from me right now? and then - 2 how can I please my spouse? When children come into play they will be your third priority, all while forgetting yourself completely. In an ideal situation both parties would act like this, but we're human and its easy to forget what we should actually be doing. Thats fine, as long as we can recognize we're veering off course, repent, and get back on. If you've done dating right, you should know how to communicate your disagreements and concerns without fighting; and resolve these issues in a peaceful manner. If you haven't figured communication out amongst yourselves, you should tirelessly be focused on it. Communication can make or break your marriage.

Divorce -

I'm sorry that it got to this point. Nobody wants this but sometimes its the only way towards happiness. Even if one spouse is willing to work on it, if the other isn't, there is nothing you can do. Both have to be willing to work in order for a marriage to succeed. This is going to be awful and painful in every way, but you HAVE to let this happen. Be as respectful as you possibly can to your spouse during this process. Remember while the divorce is being finalized they are still yours. And for a lot of Mormons even after the divorce is legally finalized, you are still sealed to that person in God's eyes. Treat that person with respect. Like any painful wound you have to feel the pain to get better. Deal with the problem head on instead of looking for other methods to temporarily numb what you're feeling. Those might "help" in the short term, but will always pop their ugly head out down the road. Its best to fix the problem when it occurs to secure a proper recovery. Do things that make you happy. Its ok to be selfish again. Make a list of everything that brings you true happiness and do at least 2 of those things every day. This will help more than you know. 

Click here to watch my series on #Lifeafterdivorce for more help > CLICK HERE

Eventually, when you are ready, it will come time to start dating again. Don't repeat the same mistakes, and don't expect that any relationship will end up with the same outcome. (That kind of thinking is poisonous)  If you are diligent, smart, and use God to guide you you can find another companion to share your happiness with. I promise. 





Life After Divorce : Episode 4 - Callie and Steele

Monday, November 24, 2014




Todays episode dives into the marriage of these two individuals as they share their insight on their relationships, and give advise to anyone who may be going through what they did or something similar.

(If you would like to share your story, or just talk please email me at jamesbrandtcurran@gmail.com)




Callie @calliecrofts and her bf Zac @zacrbryant

Here is a link to their band "My Fair Fiend" >>> http://www.myfairfiend.com/


















Steele @steeleladylove 

Heres a link to his band "Van Lady Love" >>> www.vanladyove.com






Not For Long (cover) ft. Jessica Frech

Wednesday, November 19, 2014




Occasionally I like to make music. B.O.B. and Trey Songs - "Not For Long" was calling my name to cover it. The Jessica Frech happened to be in Provo for the week so we did a collaboration.

Let us know what you think : )

Also here's Jessica's blog and thoughts on PDA >>>> CLICK HERE



Credits 

Jessica Frech

The Provokings - Videography


Nate Baldwin - Audio Recording






Life After Divorce : Episode 3 - Millie and Dallin

Sunday, November 16, 2014



This week we catch a glimpse of Millie and Dallin. Millie is a Single Mother who's ex-husband is currently in jail, while Dallin shares his struggle of being a single dad before finding his new wife.
Both have had to overcome being cheated on by their spouse, but share their story to give hope to you that there is Life After Divorce

(If you want to share your story or just want to talk, email me at jamesbrandtcurran@gmail.com)

Photo Credit : @shleeeeeeeeee Video Credit : @samuelthemanuel 


Millie and her littles Frank and Apollo











Dallin with his new wife Linda and two boys Cruz and Antonio







Life After Divorce : Episode 2 - Chelsie and Maddie

Thursday, November 6, 2014





(If you want to also share your story, or if you just want to talk email me at jamesbrandtcurran@gmail.com)



Videography: @samuelthemanuel Photography: @shleeeeeeeeee

Chelsie @chellybelly33 and her new husband Bedford @bedforddort with their son Jax





Maddie @madds_10 check out her blog --- www.withallourhearts.com







Life After Divorce : Episode 1 - Lauren and James

Wednesday, October 29, 2014




When I got divorced I set out on a quest to help anyone through the pain that I had felt. 
To everyone who is going through or has been divorced I present to you . . . 
#LIFEAFTERDIVORCE
(New episode every week with new people)
Videography by @samuelthemanuel and Photography by @shleeeeeeeeee

(if you are interested in being on the series or know someone who would like to share their story, please contact at jamesbrandtcurran@gmail.com ... or if you just want to talk : )



@xoloveloxo (Lauren) and her new husband
check out her blog www.tippeecanoe.com





 Some idiot named James . . . themormon








Dealers Choice

Sunday, October 26, 2014






THIS IS AWESOME ha! ^^^^^^ also . . . 


Yesterday I went to a wedding. 

This was my friend Lauren's second marriage. I'd never met the guy before, but from the brief chit-chat I had during my visit, he treats her like gold and is LOADED! So . . . Lauren FTW! One for conquering divorce and two, for showing me that there are people out there in the world, that are just right for you. 




In between the times I was coerced to do the "Makarina" and "The cupid shuffle", (okay who am I kidding, I love "The cupid shuffle") I pulled Lauren aside and asked her for some advice one divorcee to another. She told me something that probably sounds like common sense to all of you, but to me really hit home. "Work on your self first, and then move onto a relationship"

The pain a person feels after a serious breakup is probably universally the same, and It's incredibly hard. It consumes you / its an actual physical hurt. For me it was so bad that I chose to replace that consumption with anything, literally anything that would distract me from what I was feeling and experiencing. I made sure I had dates lined up everyday. I started making rap videos, starting new businesses, I flew around the united states for no reason, and of course came up with genius ideas like the Amuze Cruze #sarcasm. All of these things did a great job of distracting me from the issues at hand, but did not make them go away. 

Its like I got a deep and painful cut on my arm and immediately I wrapped it in medical gauze to "take care of it". The gauze got old and bloody so I took more gauze and wrapped it on top of itself. Pretty soon I have so much gauze on my arm its really hard to function normally, and the actual cut has probably gotten worse and infected. Instead, what the cut needed was to be a cut. A little bandaging here and there, but really constant cleaning and air would have helped the cut heal naturally, and ironically faster. It may be the more painful way to heal but in the end its easier moving forward. 

This past week I met with my bishop and he asked me who Christ was to me. I gave him the
typical cliche answers but right now I see Christ as the Neosporin. Neosporin helps soothe the immediate pain along with protect any outside influences from distracting the natural process of healing. Christ has truly felt every ounce of pain we have felt. He is the only living person who has complete empathy for anything we are going through. And has the power to expedite and support the healing of pain at any degree. He truly is our Savior, but we have to choose to incorporate Him into that process. 

I've said it before and I've said it again. The main focus of my blog is to help prevent people from making the same mistakes I have and to hopefully bring people closer to Christ. Whether you relate to my abusive childhood, my rebellious youth, my divorce, or you just liking my raps, in the end I hope you leave here knowing that God loves you and wants nothing more than help you in anyway possible. Sometimes we go through crazy pain so we can learn, but also to appreciate the beauty life has to offer. 


FYI Mason and I are doing great. I'm also going to test his blood because I'm pretty sure he's half deer. (He's getting so big!)


@samuelthemanuel took this picture

@shleeeeeeeeee took this pic




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